I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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