I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms