i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.