I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.