He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
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I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
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No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals