friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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