i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
