At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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