no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
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I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
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You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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