So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
