I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Is her dick bigger than yours?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
