Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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