she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
