i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
