Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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