i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
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He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
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I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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