Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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