Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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