Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
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Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
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When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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