what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
