We're like a lot better than the average bears
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
