In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
