you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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