Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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