Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
only if we run a train.
done.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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