Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
