I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
