I think I won the penis lottery.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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