So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
