Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
