I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
