VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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