right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
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He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
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Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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