Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
