I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
