okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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