and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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