my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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