My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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