turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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