Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I met the friendliest cop last night
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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