Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
