So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
