I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
