I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
