So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
