You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
