My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
