I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I CAN MOONWALK!
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
