You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
