I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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