Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
