i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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