Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
