I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
the raccoons are back...
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