A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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