she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
