Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just threw up on my dentist
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
