I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Drake has all the answers
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
