have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
