she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
