Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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