is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
